Tuesday, January 01, 2013

A New Year, A Year in Review

Every year, unlike others, instead of making resolutions, I like to open up my personal diary and take a look back at my year. I suppose you can say that I like to critique myself. What changes I've made that I loved, what old habits need to go, what habits I may need to implement. I don't make resolutions, not because I never keep them or believe in them, but mainly because I don't like ultimatums, even those that come from me. Resolutions, for me, are too much like ultimatums.

In my yearly review, I've noticed that the area of my personal relationships need work the most. It's become clear to me that I have either forgotten or don't trust the strength of my own two feet. I have depended on other people, in various ways and on various matters, in order to accomplish or participate in something.

We all have our metaphorical mountains we have set to climb and in reaching its summit we team up with other people, either for their good company or for the healthy ( or not so healthy) competition they provide. For me, it's usually for the good company. When the a friend's company suddenly isn't enjoyable or its become competitive, or down right parasitic, I've never had a problem striking out on my own. But always, soon after, I'd find another unlikely friend for that much needed good company. It's almost like that girl who cannot stay single for too long, just with, friends.

This past year I have lost friends, I have made numerous "don't trust them as far as you can throw" friends. I have realized the draining, smothering nature of some friends and strengthened the bonds of other friendships. But now is the time that I have a friendship with myself. That I be my own best friend. Trust my own two feet and climb closer to the summit in silence with my own thoughts for good company,

I have come to realize through these 26 years of being me, that I give my all in whatever it is I take on and friendships are no exception. I live to love and in the pursuit of that, if it is within my power, I provide exactly what friends expect of me, need of me and often time surpass it just to see them smile. I know it's crazy but its really are these acts that fulfill me. However, my plate is filling up and I found that friends aren't there for me as I am for them, yet they still expect more and more of me. I just don't have the energy in me to be happy for my friends endeavors... At least to the point they want me to, while I'm trying to pursue my own. I simply don't have it in me to be happy for someone else while I'm working on being happy for myself and the things I'm doing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's time for a little selfishness. Giving less of myself to others and more of myself to me. Drown out the white noise and listen to the inner voice, a time for a little solidarity. 2013 is the year of Me, a year to see, a year breathe, a year to be.